The man I am today is much different then the man I once was. I grew up in a Christian household with parents who loved Jesus. I spent Wednesday’s and Sunday’s in church. On most occasions my school breaks were spent at church camps. I knew Jesus at a young age but I didn’t realize what it meant to fall in love with Him and his word until the age of nineteen.
My junior year of High School I gave in to the temptation of drugs. Weed, pills, and alcohol had my focus and attention. I became depressed about life and where I was headed. I wanted to be a star athlete on the basketball team have a beautiful girlfriend and be wanted. God had other plans for my life. Giving in to the lifestyle of drugs destroyed who I was, but I was so lost I couldn’t see how far gone I had become. I was a monster! Treating my family with disrespect. Blowing off school and any positive outlets. The worst of all was acting like my relationship with God was great. Like Matthew writes in verse 6:24 “You can’t worship two gods at once.” I know I can’t but how many have been like me and tried? My addiction went from bad to worse I went from smoking weed to selling it. Went from getting high with my friends to watching them shoot up in the corner. I started off just wanting to escape from my problems but it ending up taking me to the deepest darkest pit I’ve ever been in.
I was lost, broken, and at this point afraid. I needed a way out but what should I do. Fortunately, for me, God stepped in and gave me a wake up call. One evening similar to others I picked up what I thought was weed ready to get high and what I got would change my world forever. My dealer laced the weed I bought with something stronger than I’m used to and it almost gave me a heart attack. All I could feel was the rush of beats from my over worked heart. I thought it was over, my bad decisions have caught up with me. I could only think of one thing to do so I called my father. Ashamed and scared of what he might do I dialed his number and explained to him the situation. With no hesitation he rushes over to my apartment and helps me to calm down until the drugs leave my system.
The consequences from that night were devastating. It sent me into overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks for months. I couldn’t leave the house with out losing my composure. Sleep was out of the question because my mind was full of hurtful thoughts. The enemy had a hold of me and was not trying to let go. Breaking me down to the point where I said to myself “I can’t live this way.” I’d rather die then feel this way. Thinking about suicide terrified me and I knew I would never come to that point but the fact that it was crossing my mind was enough. I recalled all the years of church that I spent listening to sermons and responding to alter calls. Jesus is the only one who can heal me from this torment!
I started off slow but day after day I read His word and found scriptures to battle the enemies tactics. I reached out to an old youth pastor for support and thankfully he welcomed me with open arms. I fought the steady and long fight of recovery from the pain I had been feeling ever since that awful night.
Almost seven years later I am proud to say I am no longer that man I once was. I have been married for almost three years and have a beautiful daughter who will turn one next month. The fight for my soul will never end and the devil will continue to remind me of who I used to be and what hurt I have caused. I will cling to Jesus and his grace to save my soul. I may have been a monster but my past mistakes and even mistakes in the future will not define who I am! God shows me who I am and that is a son of the most high God. So no matter what you’ve done or who you think you are don’t listen to the lies. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves you mistakes and all. Don’t ever give up!
In loving memory of David Clark! You will never be forgotten.
Check out this new song “Monster” by KB from Reach Records. KB Monster